it's been a day. a 24 hour period since i last saw or spoke to him. i hurts more than i could ever have imagined

he didn't come back all night. all my phone calls went unanswered. ignored. i guess that this is a pattern for him though. i read through all the old notes that he has kept from old girlfriends. i knew most of the names, but not all. after 3 years together you would think you would have heard about all of them eventually.

the notes all come from such a dark place, where i am right now. they've tried to make him happy, make themselves happy, but they all seem to fail. they want him to stay, to be around and be their source of comfort. it's not going to happen though. you can make him happy, make yourself happy, for a while, but eventually they all the same way. asking for another chance, telling him they love him. losing him.

would i have done it any differently if i had read the notes sooner?

the end

He left. He's not coming back. Well technically he is, he can't just forget his computer, but he's not coming back for me. Three years. Two that were pretty great and one that was probably more trouble than it was probably worth. I met him the first weekend of college. The first bar i ever went out to, he was there. we drank and danced and smiled. he called the next day, though it was much longer before i completely fell for him. I was sitting on the washer, it was the only place that i could be alone in that crowded dorm. we were talking on the phone and i was completely overwhelmed by a feeling of complete happiness. He was brilliant and funny and interested in me.

I didnt want a boyfriend at first, but he understood that. He waited for me until i was ready. I had an amazing year. The best time of my life. No question. We got to know each other and I fell more deeply in love with him everyday. Before i met him, it was just me. I had a few good friends, but no real men. We had great times. Drinking and talking late into the next morning. I was happy. Completely.

Then there was summer. We were apart, but we talked everyday for hours. I missed him terribly, but the week that I flew down to see him was amazing. Everything was perfect. I was happy. I was about to start my second year. I packed my things to begin another happy year. He was waiting at the airport for me. He wanted me. He was happy too.

We ran into an unexpected problem very quickly though. Katrina. The hurricane that stopped everything. I never that it would actually happen, that it would actually destroy our city and put our relationship under so much stress. We thought we were going on a weekend trip to play Cranium with friends. I never expected the physical destruction. The emotional stress. The very beginning of the end, though i think that we were both clueless at the time. He shut down and shut up.